I'm playing Mexican Train with some of my family here in Texas. It's quite a variety, there are beautiful things about us being together, and there are...oh, how shall I say this? Horrific things about us all being together.
Aunt Patsy; middle child of 6 kids, my mom was the youngest. Aunt Patsy was a math teacher, and a principle, and drives a hybrid, and loves to be uniquely "democratic" in the midst of all the Texan Bush supporters. Also, I didn't mention a very important part of my Aunt, she never got married or had kids, soooo all of us lovely nieces and nephews get to be loved by her :) and sometimes followed by her thumb, but hey, we all follow something.
Aunt Ginny; at one point in my life, when I was a small, naive child, I told my mom I didn't even think Aunt Ginny was really part of our family. She sure was a sour lady, I thought, and her face looked like she had just eaten sour skittles or a jar of pickles. But things have changed very much, and my Aunt Ginny is the dearest to my heart of all the aunts. She came to the know the Lord in the past few years through some difficult events in her life and I am so excited to party in heaven with her someday! But I don't have to wait, we can party together here for the time being. She is married to the next family member,
Unlce Jim. Uncle Jim is my favorite Uncle (Sorry Donald, Randy and Jack!). He played a major role in the events that shattered he and Aunt Ginny's life, but has always been the kindest man I know. I would say he ties with my dad but my dad's driving habits bump him to second ;). Anyway, he and Ginny both found Jesus on their hard road through the last few years. God has found him and used him so mighily! I'm so happy to know him ;).
Mom; uuuuhh, you all know my mom, right? Big heart, but lots of empty space, too. Lots of love, but lots of pain from her life. So much love and trust in the Lord, but such a huge thirst for control. I love her and she changes my life every day, sometimes for the worse but always for the better. I mean that, even when the things she does effect me in a negative way or produce a bad habit within me, God's glory shines by coming in and changing that in me. He becomes the goodness even in the bad. And I know Him more for it. Anyway, shes the youngest, which is a place in life that we share :) and we have so much fun. Shes one of my best friends, a habitual throat-clearer (that's how I used to find her in the store when I was lost, even now in the other room I can hear her clearing her throat! =O), an amzingly talented and obssessive beader (jewelry), habitual drinker (not alcoholic, she goes through stages of drinking certain things ALL the time, vanilla frappuchinos, dr. pepper, Passion tea, lemon water, iced single vente skinny vanilla latte, coke, iced tea, just to name a few of her stages), and dedicated Bible Study Fellowship attendee and secretary! She also always has to be accomplishing something, always. She prays while she falls asleep so she can even be accomplishing something while shes relaxing.
Dad; oh snap. My dad is awesome. Happiest, most positive guy ever. Financial planner, genuine friend and really good salesman. Haha one thing about my dad that I love is sometimes he'll walk into a room to say hi and say, "Just thought I'd come in and bring my happy gene!" He teaches me what love is every day. He also has some personality traits that are sort of harmful to my heart, and sometimes I don't treat him like I love him because of those things. But I try and turn those personality traits into prayers to God, He takes all my little 'gifts' and shows me how they are perfect in Him, because He is The Perfect Father. But a lot of the time I don't bring it to God and screw it up myself. My daddy knows Jesus and Jesus will mold him when the time is right.
Jonothon; uuuh, too much and not enough to say all at once. He is the brother closest to me in age out of the five of us kids. He just turned 21 and I'm going to be 18 in July. We've always had issues, but have also loved each other more than words could say. I think the enemy wanted to take our relationships with Christ (we were the only two around for a while that knew the Lord) and turn them into harm for Christ's kingdom. The enemy didn't want us doin' any good for the King and His Kingdom so he had us quarrel and disrespect each other and bury pain and bitterness for each other in our hearts...pretty much throughout life. So instead of showing God's love to our family in unity, we fought and bickered (but God is good and turns mourning into dancing and the night into day!) But, he is my brother, not only in blood, but in Christ, and I love him dearly. He is like my dad, joyful, passive, childish and loving...and painful.
Lauren; oh my only sister :). She brings a smile to my face whenever I think of her or say her name. Often times, though, the smile fades quickly after because I desperately want my sister to know my Perfect Father Who loves her so much! And she does not know His beauty and truth right now, but the Lord is good :). Lauren is a hard-working, independent and foxy 24 year old young woman whom I am proud to call my sister. She helps me learn how to stand my ground and not be a people pleaser, to defend myself and speak my voice, she shows me what it means to grow up because none of my other siblings know how to do it. Again, I love her and always enjoy our eye rolls accross the table at family gatherings (that's what the front of her birthday card says this year, shhh, she hasn't read it yet).
Aaaaaand, oh, me :). I am 17, the youngest of 5 kids, my family is originally from Texas even though I do not live there now. I am on vacation there now, though, with my mother, father and brother. Lauren still lives here in Texas and my other two brothers are at 'home' in Arizona. Um, anyway, yes, I am 17, I love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ with all my heart, soul, and mind and pray every day to live recklessly for Him because I am completely lost without Him. He carries me through fires that would have long ago burned me away if I didn't know Him. I like iced tea, iced cream (blue bell!!), puppies, and reading. And folk music, and all forms of artistic expression. I love my family that the Lord has blessed me with through sisters and brothers from other mothers ;), aka my family in Christ! You know who you are; Kim, Megan, Jason, Amanda, Amanda, Kristina, Christine, Monique, Jill, Brooke, Jane, Jared, Jordan, Jason, Julie, Louise, Brittany, Steve, Dom, Jenny, Jenni, Sarah, Taylor, Jordan, Jay, Mikey, Kiki, Karen, Emily, Kat, Divina, Megan, Simone, Madi, Jordan, Jordan, Emily, Julie, Andrew, Apryl ooooh way too many to think of. Oh, Jason, James, Shannon, Tami, Chelsea, Brianna, Annika, Brianna, Tori, Alyssa, Dan, Katie, Brittany, Creg oooohkay I need to stop I love too many people the internet can't hold all your names.
So, I've been getting to know some other things about myself through playing Mexican Train with my crazy family. I am afraid to become like them. Okay, so these are some things I realized before playing Mexican Train, but whatever. They became even more illuminated and evident under the light of dominoes and barbecue. I am afraid to be rude, judgemental, controlling...disrespectful. I'm afraid to have lazy kids and not raise them right, I'm afraid to displease (okay, so some of these are just things I already suck at), I'm afraid to be angry. I'm afraid of Menopause. I'm afraid of unhappiness and displeasure. I'm afraid of all of these things, but, can I control them? To some extent, yes, but I'm always going to have flaws and be imperfect, (another thing I'm afraid of).
I'm afraid to fail because I am a failure, and I guess I'm afraid of who I am? Maybe, but I think I'm mostly afraid of failing because I'm afraid I won't be forgiven. HA. That's the farthest thing from the truth. That is the most ridiculous thing, I think God may have just laughed. But I think I'm afraid of not being forgiven because of the fleshly responses I am familiar with. I mean that all we know as far as grace goes is either actual responses in our own lives or stories in other peoples lives. So, who in your life loves unconditionally and eternally? Who do you know that would love and forgive you if you murdered their entire family? Who do you know that would kill someone in their family for YOU? And speaking in less extreme terms, who would take a day out of their busy life to hold you when you cry? Who do you know that would not hold a grudge against you for stealin' their significant other? Who do you know that is not jealous of anybody, never speaks negatively of someone, or says anything less than "I love them...so much." of anyone they know? Maybe some people you know are like this, I've known a few, but I can say confidently that I now many more selfish, jealous, and prickly people than I do pure souls. I know one when I look in the mirror. I know those people when I walk into my kitchen, and go to my best friends house, and sit with my small group, and go to the place where I feel the happiest. They are on every corner and in every conversation, even the pure souls have cracks of imperfection in their hearts. We all have caverns, we all have broken cisterns needing to be filled (Jon Foreman song) and we all hurt other people. We all express our wrath in some form or another that harms another person.
But my point is not to prove our broken nature, I'm sure you can all see that. My point is to say that for those of us that make it hard to take Christ's free gift of grace, feel that way because of some experience in our life. Because of every breath we breath and every day we live and every person we encounter, no one is the Lord and none of us can be the Lord for someone else. He alone is good and pure and just and He alone can hold our iniquities and mold them into beauty. We can only know that through the truth of Christ's Word, there alone can we find Christ's truth, we see it in the people that know His truth, but they know it by living in His Word! All truth of grace and mercy comes from that, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God" (John 1:1). He is truth, He is the Word, the Word is truth.
Let us stand on this and breath it in. He alone is my grace and peace when my family falls. When anger intrudes my brothers heart and hatred responds in the other brother. When ignorance steals my fathers soul, and despair floods my mothers eyes, when emptiness wipes accross my sisters face and pride captures my brothers heart, my Lord, my Perfect Father is my cup. He is my portion when I turn to other lovers and follow the lies, He is my heart when my strength fails, and He is my hand when I reach for the plow. I do not look back, I finish the race, I fight the good fight and I pray in faith knowing He will meet me with grace at my disgrace.
Make me into Yours so I will not be theirs.
